Going home

I experienced a “going home” moment today. After over 12 years, I walked back into my childhood home. The house I grew up in. The house my sisters and brother shared with me, Mom and Dad. The place I hadn’t been able to re-enter since leaving the interior of a life without my Mother. She passed away on May 10, 2000. I remember coming there to gather clothing for her burial. My Dad walked in the door as my sisters and I were gathered in the kitchen. It was the oddest feeling seeing him there without my mother to serve as buffer and sanctuary. When I walked out the door that day, the background lights went dark and the door on that part of my life closed. I never wanted to go back inside ever again if she wasn’t there. That house was my home because of her presence. She was our everything.

I was afraid to go back. Afraid that I wouldn’t be able to handle walking in the door and find the shell of a home lost in a state of fragile deterioration. The return actually came easier than expected. He needed help. This was an opportunity to be a blessing. “And now faith, hope and love abide; these three and the greatest of these is love.”

Some super bowl chili, and dog bones for his new best friend, got me in the door with ease. What was I so worried about? Next time, I won’t let 12 years get in the way. 

 

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Getting started

So many thoughts in my mind. Thoughts from the past. Feeling older now and wanting to move forward in life, but the past holds me still in life path steps. How do I embrace the past, let go and move forward? Is it OK to do this? I think so. I think there is a way to hold dear those dear memories and let go of the hurtful ones. I’ve learned to accept others in my life for what they are. I need to learn to do the same for myself. I’m not perfect and need to stop expecting perfection from myself. I used to laugh and smile. I need to do more laughing and smiling now, before it’s really too late.

I’m almost 52 now. My mother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer at age 55. That thought preys on my mind and worries me that I’ll meet the same or a similar fate. My life end will come eventually and I want to say a few things before that time. She passed away at age 60. Time for me to get to work.